I’m a social caterpillar
May 1, 2008 by birdpress
I’ve never been very outgoing but I used to at least be a fun person to party with. Social anxiety was certainly a component of my alcoholism. It’s now been just over a year that I’ve been sober and I’m still struggling with social anxiety. Not that I thought I would get over it or anything, but I’ve now found additional reasons to be antisocial. How do I accept invitations from well-meaning new acquaintances who don’t know my history?
It’s not like I get paralyzed or can’t function in society. I actually appear quite normal. I think mostly I come off as aloof. I’ve often been told that people think I’m a snob when they first meet me, which certainly could not be farther from the truth, as I am one of the least snobby people you will meet. But I can understand it. Shy people are often falsely accused of being conceited.
In rehab we had women’s groups where we discussed things like this and the women there never accused me of coming across this way. In fact, when I admitted this in group, the other women were asked (by the counselors) to tell me their initial impressions of me and they generally agreed on shy, quiet, gentle, kind and nervous. Addicts seem to have fairly good skills at reading people, and I was grateful to these wonderful women for their generous descriptions.
Anyone familiar with AA may have heard this saying: “I’ve always been the black sheep of the family; I came to AA and found the rest of the herd.” That’s kind of how I felt in rehab! I went there expecting to find a group of people completely unlike me that I would have nothing in common with other than an addiction problem. I found that I had way more in common with those people than anyone else I’d ever met in my life. In the 28 days I was there I felt closer to the women I lived with than I ever felt with my sorority sisters in college! Take away their drugs of choice and addicts are some of the kindest, most genuine people you will ever meet.
Anyway, back to the subject at hand now… I am debating whether or not to attend a cookout being given by a woman I went to grooming school with. It is to be a social gathering for those of us who went to school together as well as a going-away party for a foreign student who is leaving to go back home. I have stayed in touch with the hostess, as well as several other women from school, mostly through emails and the occasional phone calls. Three people now have written to tell me that they look forward to seeing me there.
The problem? On the invite it was stressed that it will be a good time because there will be an actual “bartender” and we can make arrangements to stay overnight if we need to.
Do I politely decline the invitation and have them think I am simply being antisocial again? (I have declined invitations in the past, when I was in school, by having very reasonable excuses.) Or do I accept and go and attempt to deflect their questions about why I am not drinking? While also likely having anxiety attacks just being there with a bunch of acquaintances that I don’t really know very well. My boyfriend would go with me, which may help, but he has very similar issues as me, so it would mostly be us supporting each other.
I would rather not go, but I do like these women and don’t want to be rude or push away their friendships either. I have a couple weeks to decide. It really isn’t a big deal, I suppose, but it is something that is likely to come up again and I need to figure out the best way to deal with these situations.
For what it’s worth (and probably nothing), I think you should go. You’ll go see people you haven’t seen in a while and if nothing else, it should prove to be a good time. You don’t need to drink to have a good time.
But kudos for looking out for yourself first.
When I was in college, I was on some meds that I couldn’t drink on, and at the time, I was hanging out with some hard partying Thee-a-TAH and English dorks (and we can drink!). I didn’t want to be the loser at the party of course, but I wasn’t going to drink to compromise my heath either.
I found that if I didn’t make a big deal out of not drinking that everyone assumed that I WAS drinking and nobody thought twice about it. When someone would ask me how much I had, I would look at my cup (of water) and shrug. If someone asked me if I was OK to get home, I’d just tell them politely that I was. I really enjoyed it when someone would call me the next day and tell me “how drunk I was.” Pretty funny.
Now, I don’t know you IRL and I don’t know where you are in your recovery, so your judgment is paramount, but if you think that you can go and not drink, I think you should get out and get your mad dog groomin’ party skillz on. Might be good for you.
I also think you should go. If you hold a glass of ginger ale people won’t question you at all. As long as being around people who are drinking won’t bother you, and I know it won’t ( you’re past that, I know) then the anticipatory angst is far worse then the actual event will be. Trust me.
AND you’ll feel crappy if you don’t go. Doing the right thing is almost always the right answer to questions like this. That way you never have regrets or self-recriminations.
Been there.
Paisana and Trisha, thank you for your advice. I think you are both probably right and that I should go. The easier thing would be to simply NOT go though…
I have no problem going and not drinking. I just don’t want anyone making a big deal out of it, and I am still just unsure of how comfortable I will be around those people in a social setting, regardless of whether they drink or not. I am just so BAD at parties and socializing. That’s why I used to drink, LOL. But now I can’t and I don’t have any experience at a party like this sober.
It really is NOT the drinking that bothers me; it’s the whole idea of dealing with social anxiety because I have never really faced it this way. It’s different going to work and doing things with people where I have something to DO, but just mingling and stuff… I’m not so good at that. The only friends I hang out with are the few that J and I have that all know us pretty well, and we don’t even hang out with them much!
So I don’t like parties… Do I avoid them or do I force myself to deal with them. Why? Why bother?
I’m all for *not* doing things I don’t want to do. Here’s what I’d do: I’d decline the invite for the party but make alternate plans for later in the week with the hostess. If you don’t dig big gatherings, that’s cool. Not everyone does.
I don’t really like parties and I hate commitments. Like, if I decide on Monday to do something scheduled for Friday then you can bet I won’t want to go. If you saw me at said party you wouldn’t believe it because my nervous energy makeks it appear as if I’m loving it. I’ve spent many parties in the corner with children.
I rarely drink because I know I’m an addictive sort. If I drink then I get drunk. Sometimes I fall down and bleed, try to drive, or grab strange men by the balls. I decided that was a bad thing. I also don’t like the physical effects of feeling gross afterwards. And I HATE the idea that some people think they can’t have fun without it, particularly teenagers.
it’s got to be your choice. Considering the fact that these people all love the same thing you do — dogs & grooming — you’ve got something to talk about. That’s if you even want to see these people at all. The decision about how much information to provide is always an interesting one: do you tell them everything, tell them nothing, pretend to drink, ignore the issue. I might do each one of these things at different times, depending on the people and how I felt at the moment.
I’ve written a book on your blog and I apologize! One last thing: I decided in a class a long time ago that I wasn’t going to sit in the back and listen to idiots ask all the questions, so I often speak up. Usually afterwards I question every single fucking thing about me and whether I’m a total asshole or just an idiot. Anxiety sucks! LOL What an educational response!
Becky, thanks for the advice. Maybe I can try to work something out like that, even if it means missing the other people I would see there.
Pamajama, don’t apologize! You can leave a book on my blog any time! Thanks for sharing, and I totally appreciate your honesty and your taking the time to respond to this. Plus, you crack me up!
if you have one of those tracker dealies implanted here, you’ll note that i’ve been on this page for several minutes. so long, in fact, that i thought of breaking camp and pretending i’d never come. there was a time i would have done that. that time was the same time i’d never walk in ANYWHERE first, never meet anyone out separately, never go in places a crowd was already in place.
that time was a time i was very aware at how socially backward i was. awkward. shy. uncertain.
could it be?
i was an all-state athlete in high-school. student council president. in drama! i lead songs in church! i had no addictions except training.
it could be.
i grew up in a town of 130 people. everyone knew everyone. everyone knew all about me–all about my poverty’d drunken uncles–before i came to exist. i carried it all forward.
i moved to chicago. that was the turning point. sometimes i had to walk in first. meet people out. attend dinner parties.
great ceasar’s ghost, it almost killed me.
but you know, it was a lot like wrecking a bike. i rode a little farther, a little better every time. and i didn’t start from scratch. i had a friend like training wheels– her instructions: don’t leave me standing alone, keep a conversation going, or i’ll never survive this.
you can do it, you know. take your boyfriend. drink your gingerale. if anyone wants to question your consumption, ask them why that topic is so important to them and say, “I’d rather talk about the dogs, dude!”
okay. don’t say dude. that’s just hokie.
no one says you have to stay the whole night. connect with the people you care about and get the hell outta there.
but go. and go to the next one. and the next one. it gets a little easier every time.
Up front, I’ll admit I have no knowledge about AA, the program or its tenets, but is there a reason you can’t go and just say, “I don’t drink”?
Course, first thing most folks with think is, “She’s pregnant” but you can quickly dispell that myth!
Clancyjane, thank you for your understanding and advice! It is something I should probably practice, huh? That’s more to the point of this post I guess, whether to try these things or just avoid them.
dobeman, yes I can but that doesn’t solve the anxiety problem. It isn’t really about the alcohol. I bet you’re right about what they’d think though!
Okay, I read the first 2 paragraphs, and quickly came to the comment section.
I will definitely be back when I have the necessary time to read this place thoroughly. I love it already, only have 2 paragraphs. You completely described me, well . . except for the AA part, but I know all about that too since my dad is 9 years sober and going strong!!
Im blogrollin’, baby!
That is one of the things that you’re just going to either jump in and do it, or avoid the situation all together. Alcohol will be available, but you don’t have to drink it - you know this.
Im sure that going to a get-together where alcohol is served would be difficult, especially for someone so early on in their sobriety, but are you always going to avoid those types of “parties”?
And if they’re your friends, or folks you know, shouldn’t you be able to tell them that “hey, I’m sober, I don’t feel comfortable being around it…” or something or another. It’s not rude at all to say that.
I know that when I host get-togethers, I do not have alcohol at them because my dad and step-mother are both avid AA’ers and I dont see it fair to them to be around it, so I don’t have it in my house.
Red, I think it is thoughtful of you to avoid alcohol when your dad and step-mother are there. I don’t mind if people drink around me as long as they don’t act like they are trying to hide it! I’ve had family members do that and I find it insulting. The drinking itself really doesn’t bother me though and I’d rather people enjoy themselves instead of feeling like they aren’t because of me. But I know some people are different so I’m sure your family appreciates it that you respect that.
I haven’t even read the above comments so forgive me if i just repeat what they said.
I think you should go. How do you feel about telling your friends that you’re a recovering alcoholic? I’m quite clueless about this so bear with me. lol
I hope you go and have a wonderful time!! Drink coke or something, no one will know.
PS You’re added to my blogroll too.
*hugs*
I’m a total jerk, I missed all of your updates. I thought I had you in my reader, along with you mom and didn’t check in because you all were not posting. DUH! I had you on my blogroll and am so pissed that you were not on my reader. I’m a real dick, I hope you forgive moi! Now, I’m not sure if you have already attended this party? If not, my advice is too do what is most comfortable for you at this time. YOu have to look out for number one and if your friends are not going to like you for not coming to a gathering, then they are not friends anyway. But, this advice is coming from a social anxiety ridden gal who understands all that it entails! Baby steps, take care of yourself first. You come first.
No problem; thanks for the response. Actually the party isn’t until the beginning of June. Thanks for understanding! You know, I wrote her an email saying that I might not be able to go and she wrote back, “You are coming if I have to drive down there and get you!” Wow, no pressure, huh? I know she is trying to be nice. I feel obligated now.
Obligated-schmobligated. You gotta do what you feel comfortable with. Hopefully someday you and I both will not panic at the thought of a social gathering, until then, you cannot force that on yourself. Be good to yourself, you deserve it and when you are ready, I’ll bet you’ll go
I have a pushy best friend who is demanding that I be in her wedding. I had to flat out tell her, that’d give me a heart attack and I’m not doing it. I’ll come (which will be hard enough for me) but NO, not going to be in it. She is really disappointed, but she KNOWS me, knows me all to well so has accepted it. Although, there are times when she says, “I still think I’m going to get you into a dress”— ugh, shut up!
Wow, I guess you DO know what it feels like! Hmm… I still don’t wanna go, but I don’t want to be rude. Maybe I can invent something… Are little white lies allowed in situations like this? Or big, red lies?
Little white lies are highly under-rated as a way to deal with aggressive people in social situations. Who in the hell decided it was a rule you have to be completely honest all the time? That’s ridiculous!
I have gone way past the white lies to majorly enormous psychedelic rainbow shit. Broken legs, relatives who’ve died more than once (too superstitious to use sickness or death regarding a live person), and of course the standby “Pam is not home. This is her babysitter. Can I take a message?”